Beach-Birds

I feel like this video isn’t as emotionally driven as I wish my art to be. This video was an exploration of “do I like the process?” Trying to figure out which apps to use, how to animate, and how to export a video without it turning pixelated… And it was just the last one I couldn’t figure out. But now there’s more.

What was driving the creation of this video was the newness and the feelings of excitement and joy. Certainly, there is joy in this video and from sharing it. However, thinking about what’s underneath–my relationships with the subjects of the video aren’t always as joyful. And I unjustly want it to be joyful when I think of it because creating this video makes it seem like such. But truthfully, nothing is always one thing, nothing is ever truly binary. 

I am not always on the same joyful side in the same room as my brother; I don’t always want to see what they try to make me see; I don’t know my cousins like my brother does. I’m not as skilled a swimmer as they are, as I wish to be. 

I guess these are all things to… to change. To see my brother for who he is, for how he shows up, and not who I wish him to be. To listen to the advice and anecdotes presented to me and let them resonate or store them away for some time in the future so that they may finally sink in. To make an effort of accepting the separated child I once was and outwardly love my family like they deserve to be loved.

This past December/January there was a switch. Heavily inspired by cousin Mia with her courage to make things happen. She made a plan and executed it. She’s releasing a couple of singles and an EP within the next couple of months and I couldn't be more proud of her. There’s something about holding love for someone whether they’re a stranger sitting a few feet away from you on the sand to someone 2,422 miles away. My family and realizing their love for me have propelled me into showing up for myself. Because if you can’t show up for yourself, show up for those who love you, right? Once I saw that I was like, “what am I doing with my life?”

“If I’m not enjoying my time here, what am I doing? You don’t have to suffer if you can actively make it better (obviously that is not tangible in many situations).” Here I was, sitting on ideas of creativity. But what is creativity if not expressed? For the past year and a half, I had been completing my school work but wasn’t fulfilled like I knew I could be if I created something, anything. Having been in creative burnout, however, it wasn’t until December, Mia, and all these movies I seemed to come across with ‘to have courage’ at their epicenters, that I allowed light to guide me.

———

There was a time in high school when I was so eager to return to the self I had once been. One of smiles and golden light and love. I had let it fizzle out, and unplugged the drain of any contentment I had because I thought it would fix the situations I was in. But I was finally out of them and had no idea what was going on. The only thing I wanted was to emulate a hazy memory of who I once was. 

It took some time, sure, but now–I think I’ve got a hold of the feeling that memory holds. [Having the memory to guide isn’t as forceful as a feeling I think.] I let it guide me on a path of love for myself and my surroundings. It changed many a time on the way here and I suspect it will continue to change. Just as my view of life changes as I change. 

So, this blog may change over time just as how different each project I pursue will be. Who knows what will come?

But one thing that is a constant that I will be eternally grateful for is my family. “Beach-Birds” is an ode to my family I guess; to boyhood and my girlhood.

To the dignity of being in the ocean. To the dignity of being and showing up for oneself…

The Old Man and Four of his Ducklings : A Tale of The Sun

There was once just four in three years for nine years

Raised by many, even the original six

Now all grown up they still follow their stories

The Old Man is number one of six

Age, two countries, a lost language, found family has brought along the new generation

Two closer than the other two, three closer than one

One not pictured as usually separate

She got closer with herself and watched the three, the six, the whomever

She connects them all and separates the inbetween

Only hoping she could be of assistance to the new seven

But for now she watches the rest of her four and the Old Man

Just as always