Losing Connection

The last week of February was the worst week physically I’ve experienced in a while. 

My whole body ached. Bones & muscles in all.

Usually, my upper body aches as I wake up in the morning, sometimes accompanied by a headache; and I’d go back to bed as hunger pains leave me paralyzed. But that week it was different. It was my whole body as I woke up (not because I was hungry) and for a couple of days, it never left. 

Subsequently, I was much more tired throughout the day. I could go back to bed and wake up at a nondescript time and feel like I was transported to another dimension.

I tried not to nap for too long knowing I needed to eat a certain amount a day to stay alive–and to keep symptoms restricted to reasons not to my knowledge. 

I’d get ready for bed sometimes at 7 pm, more so at 8. And I’d be asleep by 10, usually. For a couple of days, I couldn’t fall asleep until 12. One day I fell asleep around 10 and woke up at midnight, and couldn’t fall asleep until 3 am. 

Besides that one night, I always woke up between 3-5 am and then again every 1 to 2 hours until 7-8 am. I’d get up then, I’m not sure why. But I’m glad I was always downstairs before 10 am. I don’t think I could get out of bed when I had 2-4 hours of darkness still remaining. At least in the light, I could distract myself from the pain.

27 February 2024

Tuesday, 5:16 pm

I’m writing to you to try to describe how I feel–because it isn’t “nauseous” exactly.

It’s what I imagine the first time riding a unicycle feels like. As my brain has hopped onto the seat and in trying to get its bearings, the contraption is a pendulum that swings in all directions.

And my breathing feels shallow yet deep somehow as I try to focus on the one thing I can control (breath). 

And my eyelids are heavy with an aching pain. I put effort into keeping them open as my vision darkens.

My chest is tight like I can feel exactly where my sternum is.

And my head is light yet sore all over.

My eyebrows hurt.

I don’t get it. Am I not eating enough, or drinking enough?

Do I need certain supplements? Probably.

Now that I have been sitting for eight minutes – the dragging of it all loosens. And the nausea replaces it.

My throat is tight? And there is a dizziness.

5:27 pm

My left hand is having a hard time typing.

I can’t seem to type the words correctly even though I am copying a passage from a book that is right in front of me.

Maybe it’s because I used the computer earlier today and read on my phone for a long time.

But I want to type. I want to work on my next blog post. I want to finish copying quotes into Notion.

At least I typed some.

My head feels very light but it's like the typical light-headedness. My eyesight goes blurry–in&out.

My eyebrows still hurt.

It feels like my body wants to go limp and fall to the right or even forward. Grey goes in & out around my vision.

Focusing on breathing is a chore.

I got up and my legs don't feel like moving. But I will them to move. I can tell the circulation isn’t good but thankfully it's not painful.

3 March 2024

Sunday, 1:39 AM

I write to you to say I cannot sleep. 1) I’m not entirely sure why. 2) Any time I lay down the whole body ache slowly creeps in–faster in certain areas. 3) Right now my right ankle & right hip hurt. 4) I’ve had to pee three times in the last two hours–feeling dehydrated after I wash my hands (admittedly I know I didn’t drink enough water today). 5) My mind won’t stop thinking & if I focus on my breathing I focus on how much my body hurts.

This past week has been the hardest physically I’ve experienced in a while. A whole effing week.

It could have been triggered last Saturday: the first day in the garden. Then Sunday: the garden + cousin’s football game + softball practice + grandma’s house…a lot of outside and dogs [I have a lot of allergies].

Then Monday I had the chiropractor. And I started taking some magnesium supplements for my nausea…So far that isn’t working but I promised myself I’d actually give it a try. Later that day I had therapy.

Maybe this week I’ve been extra focused on my physical being because I finished Flat Out In Pieces by Paul Suter and am almost done copying Impact into Notion.

→ eek I’m losing connection to the strength of my hands. My breathing has become shallow. And as I try to word my thoughts out on paper, it sounds like a very small elf in my brain is screaming–kind of like a balloon losing air–as I try to think.

—

I only feel like I can publish this because Impact has been published. And I didn’t think any of the 21 writers were complaining but I fear that if you’ve never experienced a concussion or chronic pain or chronic illness, you’d think I was complaining. But hey, Mother Web is for this kind of discussion–the void into which I speak.