Notes (3): The Other Shoe

8/5

I’m trying to remind myself to get out of my head. MINDFULNESS. 

I think that’s why I do my best with a project in my hands. Blind faith to achieve creating from mind to physical. All thought into one thing–how to get it done. Fixing, creating…something new for my hands and mind.

I am no longer fantasizing about something I could be living.

I think what I am scared of are setbacks. If I am to do something for my brain health and it creates a negative experience, it feels as if I have failed. If I start at Level Zero + a medication → negative experience == below Level Zero & I have to crawl back up to ground level.

But what if I don’t try? I’ll stay at Level Zero and will probably wonder for the rest of my life if that something would have altered my life for the better.

Maybe a negative experience is really a positive one. Accepting a negative experience is a positive one.

What is it to be strong?

8/12

I’d rather read all the books in the world right now…That’s a lie because how can I when I have been rereading passages I don’t understand, I can’t comprehend?

Creating with my hands doesn’t involve using my brain like how it does a computer.

What does this mean when my head is not hurting?

8/20 10:03 PM

I am having a hard time staying present at the moment–or you know what, it’s been the whole day.

I disassociated an hour or two ago. I was in my bathroom, brushing my teeth and washing my face, but I just squished my face back and forth, in different configurations.

And when I snapped out of it I felt scared and went downstairs. 

I sat on the ground next to my parents and I talked about vertigo with my dad. Then my mom went back to talking about worker’s comp. My dad’s tone of voice sounded like all the times I thought he was disappointed or angry at me so I went back upstairs.

I’m having a hard time.

Everything is too much at the moment. The lights are too bright. Is my music too loud? Should I be listening to music? But if I turn it off then my insides will be too loud.

It’s all fuzzy when I disassociate with a lingering sensation of fear.

What am I doing?

11:04 PM

Why do I feel so horrible? I have felt for hours the need to throw up–that nauseating emptiness. My head goes between fuzziness & discomfort & being suspended in an unknown goo.

9/3 Affirmations

“There is enough wealth, happiness, and success in the world for everyone.”

Love, grace, mercy, joy, kindness.

There are so many possibilities in this world. I trust that I am capable. I surround myself with people who care about me and want the best for me.

“Stay tender for the promise of something better.”

I have the chance to try something new!

9/5

What is best: to make something smaller or bigger? How do I look at something for what it truly is?

FEAR: I am afraid that I won't be able to get through another pain limit. Not able to recover mentally, physically, Emotionally.

me: I hear you. But you’ve done it already.

FEAR: But was it really you? Or was it you trying to succumb to outside pressures of having no big emotions?

me: You know, that’s a good question…What’s a little blurry are the concussions. I remember being told that being on my phone was making it worse–and it was, but it also felt like I was being yelled at (concussion reaction).

FEAR: I don’t want to be yelled at for feeling physically and emotionally horrible. Will I be yelled at the next time I hurt? There’s no reason for me to be yelled at.

me: That’s not something we can accurately predict. What I can say is that we have access to tools that will help regulate our emotions.

FEAR: What if I am not believed and invalidated for my pain?

me: They aren’t living our life. They have no idea what it is like to live MY life. 

FEAR: And if I am let go from a job?

me: We were doing fine before the job, you’ll be okay after. Let yourself be “tender for something better.” Plus, it’s their work model that isn’t accommodating.

It’s not weak to need/have accommodations. It’s not weak to ask for help. It is brave to ask for help/accommodations.

me: Why am I not saying yes to this job opportunity?

FEAR: Not having the time for painting and photography… 

–

If it is through friction that we find purpose, I have felt ‘friction’--chronic pain and nausea–for the past (almost) six years. I have discovered a yearning and sense of accomplishment through art & sharing about concussions. 

What is this friction of not knowing if I should/would like to work at this restaurant? Is it me not wanting to hurt? Is it that I am scared of being seen learning?

I know I can do this job–so what is it?

I don’t want to burden someone with my physical inability, my brain’s inability. When it is unpredictable how will I be reliable? How will I be trustworthy? 

If I commit to working for someone in which our main goal is the customer's happiness, how is it possible to achieve any sense of agency?

If this road of chronic pain is something that is always taking–pain from function, doctors & their knowledge being the ultimate regard, pill/needles/etc…

When will I ever rely on myself? 

When is it better to feel the friction than to know it’s grating away the last bits of sanity?

9/14

Feeling every feeling, every thought feels like flying daggers. Like swords continuously coming at me.

10/3 Gratitude

Happy New Moon in Libra! May this new cycle bring nourishment, love, and friendship.

Thank you body for all that you do every day; All of the actions I do not consciously note; For my breath to be free flowing, for the use of all my limbs, for my ability to think and imagine.

I thank you for the resilience to go through hard things, to come back from tough happenings.

May I dance & sing & laugh & cry & create.

10/7 

I’ve been waiting for the other shoe to drop. The shoe being immense, bedridden pain.

All I’ve been experiencing are dull headaches before bed and when I wake up; Or random sharp drilling shots at the lower end of my head, or high on the sides, or through my eyes.

It’s weird to think that I’ve had so many days where I’ve sat/laid around all day in pain: waiting for it to be bearable to do something else, laying in exhaustion from my body seemingly fighting itself.

For the past few days, I painted for hours on end, focused on the task at hand, and listened to whatever movie I put on in the background.

And when I finished for the day, I’d feel the exhaustion creeping into my consciousness. And I’d wonder if that is okay, if it is leading to bedridden pain. 

10/14

I think my emotions have been strongest the past two months in the sense that they are more concerning to me over whatever pain/physical discomfort I feel. 

10/15

I have so many expectations for myself that I don’t even know of. 

→ I am creating my own standards. Those who come before me and are now, are not LAW.

10/20

I can tell you exactly where it hurts. I can say that it is not the worst pain I have felt…if only I could speak in between willing it to go away.

But this is everywhere. “It’s more mental than physical,” I hypothesize. Because how can there be pain when there is no physical break? 

I don’t understand pain, I just feel it. 

Everything is heavy, everything is still.

What is the point of all this pain?

10/21

When I am uber tired for seemingly no reason, and experience insomnia for seemingly no reason–I am reminded that when I give myself goals and then am bedridden, my expectations for myself are let down because chance simply occurs.

11/3

“The Summer Day” by Mary Oliver

11/11 On “We Live In Time”

There is beauty in the gentleness, in the ambition, in the connection, in the language.

“We die once, we live every day.”

Oh, to live so in the present. To exist & feel connected & your own person. Oh, to exist in time.

11/12 Affirmations

You have the ability to change things that require effort.

“Take self-responsibility for your passion.”